I’m currently sitting at Urth Cafe on Melrose, down the street from Dash, the store the Kardashian’s own.
Across the room from me is a pop star. I don’t know her name but she looks familiar, and her lips are puffy. She’s all dolled up, sitting next to a Producer type of dude, glasses, high-end hoodie with pristine Air Jordan’s. Another celebrity type just sat down to join them. I don’t know who she is either but she’s in the most provocative sweater jump-suit. Her bootie is quite volumptuous, and her hair is colored that trendy grannie grey. Both pass as goddesses from a comic book.
The table beside me, sit four eclectic young women, chatting excitedly, going back and forth between french and english, engaged in a compelling conversation. A complete juxtaposition to the demi-gods in the corner.
The cafe is bustling with white noise, wealth and privilege, wealth and privilege. I am sitting among the cream-of-the-crop, the wanna-bes, the tourists, the few lonely artists and writers.
My back is to the fireplace, the only real hearth and open flame in all of LA. Andrea Bocelli fills the room, which is perfect since hearing english words jumbles my thinking. I am in my element, enjoying my decadent chocolate flourless cake, taking pen to paper.
This is my life now.
Much different than it was before, ten years ago. Much different.
Some people ask me, “Are you happier?”
Which I don’t know how to answer. That would depend on your definition of happiness.
I am fulfilled in knowing I am me now. (Relieved actually.) So that makes me happy.
And I’m less anxious. I no longer worry about the fact, that if something were to happen me – the world wouldn’t know who I truly was or what I really believed in – but now they will. So that’s a relief.
The things that matter most to me are my kids, helping others find their purpose, relieving pain and suffering for those in need, and telling honest stories.
This weighed me down a lot, that I was living a life contrary to what my heart said inside. So yes, I’m happier in that regard. A storm has lifted, the dark clouds have blown away.
But in terms of where I want to be, where I long to be – I still have quite a ways to go. And for that I am frustrated, motivated, hungry, anxious, and uneasy. I’m not sure if these feelings will ever dissipate though.
I will not rest until I’ve accomplished more of what I want to do on the planet.
What do you want to do while you’re here? What are the words that will be on your headstone, how will you be remembered? I think we should ask ourselves these questions more often. That way, we are more compelled to get to work.
Back to it myself …
x and tales,
AEJ
